#012803

If at first you don't succeed, go home and watch TV. Don't be so hard on yourself, maybe basket weaving just isn't your thing.

#012802

Take the time in school to learn a foreign language. I, myself, squandered the opportunity and only really began to regret it yesterday when I pooped an Omega, the 24th letter of the Greek alphabet. How many other letters and symbols have I pooped in the past and not even realized it? Makes you think.

#012801

Two wrongs don't make a right. It must take more wrongs than that. I'm not sure exactly how many, so just keep making wrongs until it all evens out.

#020501

The only "B" word you should ever use to describe a lady is beautiful. Bitches eat that shit up.

#011601

If you don't give a shit what anyone thinks of you, the best way to make sure everyone knows that is to say it three or four times in every conversation.

#121803

The difference between a homeless guy and a hobo is that a hobo carries one of those bag on a stick thingies and teaches children in '90's Christmas movies valuable lessons about family.

#121802

It can be busy at the bank this time of year, people need to extend their lines of credit to buy the gifts that TV and radio are telling them their loved ones really want. Get yourself to the front of the line by wearing a ski mask and carrying a gun. People are more than eager to get out of the way or even leave the bank completely. It just sends the message you're in a hurry and need to get skiing and shooting.